Rigging Kids' Brains for Happy Memories

By putting neuroscience into action, we can help our children experience-and remember-more good times than bad.

Life is full of difficulties. But Neuroscientist Rick Hanson explains in his fabulous book on "the practical neuroscience of happiness, love, & wisdom," that we can take positive steps to determine which memories stick with our kids. Hanson argues that the key isn't to avoid the pain that life presents-it's through our challenges that we learn deep lessons we couldn't learn any other way. Instead we can foster positive experiences that offset those challenges.

Unfortunately, we are a bit hard-wired to mostly remember bad things while forgetting the good ones. According to Hanson, our mind acts "like Teflon for positive" memories and "Velcro for negative ones." This is not good for our happiness: If most of our memories are negative, we come to perceive the world as depressing, even threatening.

Fortunately, Hanson gives us a method for raising kids who have more positive memories than negative ones, kids who have happy associations with their childhood and whose outlook on life reflects that. Here's how to "Take in the Good," as Hanson calls it.

Teach kids to notice the good things that are all around them. Practice actively looking for the positive: Those flowers we planted in the fall are blooming; our neighbor was so nice to help us with a difficult project; school was particularly fun today. Regular gratitude practices help with this. The key, according to Hanson, is to "turn positive facts into positive experiences."

Draw out-really savor-those positive experiences. This aspect will forever change the way my kids and I do our "3 good things" practice at bedtime. The idea is not just to hold something positive in our awareness for as long as possible, but also to remember the positive emotions that go along with them. Now my kids list something that is good about their day, like that they had fun with their friends, and we really think about how good it felt to be playing and enjoying friendship. This evokes what was rewarding about a "good thing," and helps use our brain chemistry to strengthen connections associated with the memory.

Let it all sink in. Have your kids imagine that the good thing you were just talking about "is entering deeply into [their] mind and body, like the sun's warmth into a T-shirt, water into a sponge, or a jewel placed in a treasure chest in your heart."

Adapted from "Rigging Kids' Brains for Happy Memories" by Christine Carter in her blog "Raising Happiness: Science for Joyful Kids and Happier Parents." The Greater Good Science Center in Berkeley, CA.

You can find the blog here.

Talking to Your Preschooler about Nontraditional Families

If your family is nontraditional, you're in good company. These days, many kids live in single-parent, blended, adoptive, or gay- and lesbian-parent families. Two- and 3-year-olds aren't likely to ask any questions about their family or anyone else's but simply accept the way things are. They'll tend to assume that all families are just like theirs.

But once these little kids come into daily contact with other preschoolers - kids who also love to talk about their families - they begin to notice that not all families look the same. At this point, you can expect the questions to start.

Whatever your own family is like, don't shy away from these discussions; they'll help your preschooler better understand the world and her place in it. The messages to focus on are that families come in all shapes and sizes, that your child is loved, and that no one type of family is better than another. Here are some tips to use when talking to your preschooler about nontraditional families:

Introduce the topic casually. Strike up a conversation about families at the dinner table or while driving in the car. Use children's books, TV shows, or real families you know to spark discussion. "All parents should talk about the fact that there are different types of families," says Arlene Lev, a family therapist and author of The Complete Lesbian and Gay Parenting Guide. That includes families with a mommy, ones with two daddies or just a grandma, those with lots of kids, and so on.

Know when to leave it alone. There's no need to chat about family issues every day or for long periods; take your cues from your child. After telling her daughter Mae about her biological father, Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World author Rachel Sarah sometimes pulled out photos of him or offered to point out where he lives on a map. But often Mae wasn't interested. "She'd already moved on to something else," says Sarah.

Let kids explore roles. A young child from a nontraditional family might create a make-believe daddy or mommy. Don't freak out or assume it means he needs therapy. It's a part of imaginary play and should fade with time. Lev, a lesbian mom, recalls when her son watched a father tossing his child into the air, then turned to her and asked for a dad. "I said, 'Are you saying that because you'd like to have a dad who would toss you in the air?'" When her son said yes, she suggested "borrowing" a friend's dad. "A lot of times we assume there's a deep psychological process going on when really at this age it's about something so much simpler," she notes.

Be positive. If a preschooler has a playdate and returns talking glowingly about a family situation he doesn't have - one with a dad, a mom, or lots of siblings - take it in stride. If you get upset or defensive, your child will pick up on it. Just say, "It sounds like Will has lots of fun with his daddy," or "I bet that's a lot of fun."

Excerpted from "How to Talk to Your Child About Nontraditional Family Types" by Ziba Kashef on Babycenter.com. Read the full article here.

LGBTQ Foster Youth Training! June is LGBTQ Month!

In supporting our goal of continuously cultivating a multiculturally competent agency, Family Paths staff recently attended a training session on the issues surrounding LGBTQ foster youth. The training took place at the California Endowment on June 1st, and was presented by the Y.O.U.T.H. Training Project, a dynamic multi-year collaboration between current and former foster youth, social work professionals, social work training academies, foundations and others committed to the empowerment and futures of California foster youth. This dynamic and informative training focused on the ways in which clinicians can be allies to, advocate for and better meet the needs of LGBTQ youth in the foster care system.

Foster LGBTQ youth often face difficulties that surpass those of straight foster youth, and clinicians and therapists often hold a crucial role in the lives of these youth at the very times that they are in the process of self-acceptance and/or coming out. This is why it is important that clinicians be trained about the important intricacies of their role in the lives of LGBTQ foster youth. This training, led by former foster youth who identify as LGBTQ and as Allies, was extremely helpful supporting clinicians' work by providing a space in which to think creatively about best practices, various ways one can be an LGBTQ Ally, and ways to best advocate for this particular population. "I was so excited to be able to hear from former foster youth themselves," said Barbra Silver, Clinical Director at Family Paths.

You can learn more about the Y.O.U.T.H. Training Project here.