By putting neuroscience into action, we can help our children experience-and remember-more good times than bad.
Life is full of difficulties. But Neuroscientist Rick Hanson explains in his fabulous book on "the practical neuroscience of happiness, love, & wisdom," that we can take positive steps to determine which memories stick with our kids. Hanson argues that the key isn't to avoid the pain that life presents-it's through our challenges that we learn deep lessons we couldn't learn any other way. Instead we can foster positive experiences that offset those challenges.
Unfortunately, we are a bit hard-wired to mostly remember bad things while forgetting the good ones. According to Hanson, our mind acts "like Teflon for positive" memories and "Velcro for negative ones." This is not good for our happiness: If most of our memories are negative, we come to perceive the world as depressing, even threatening.
Fortunately, Hanson gives us a method for raising kids who have more positive memories than negative ones, kids who have happy associations with their childhood and whose outlook on life reflects that. Here's how to "Take in the Good," as Hanson calls it.
Teach kids to notice the good things that are all around them. Practice actively looking for the positive: Those flowers we planted in the fall are blooming; our neighbor was so nice to help us with a difficult project; school was particularly fun today. Regular gratitude practices help with this. The key, according to Hanson, is to "turn positive facts into positive experiences."
Draw out-really savor-those positive experiences. This aspect will forever change the way my kids and I do our "3 good things" practice at bedtime. The idea is not just to hold something positive in our awareness for as long as possible, but also to remember the positive emotions that go along with them. Now my kids list something that is good about their day, like that they had fun with their friends, and we really think about how good it felt to be playing and enjoying friendship. This evokes what was rewarding about a "good thing," and helps use our brain chemistry to strengthen connections associated with the memory.
Let it all sink in. Have your kids imagine that the good thing you were just talking about "is entering deeply into [their] mind and body, like the sun's warmth into a T-shirt, water into a sponge, or a jewel placed in a treasure chest in your heart."
Adapted from "Rigging Kids' Brains for Happy Memories" by Christine Carter in her blog "Raising Happiness: Science for Joyful Kids and Happier Parents." The Greater Good Science Center in Berkeley, CA.
You can find the blog here.
Rigging Kids' Brains for Happy Memories
Talking to Your Preschooler about Nontraditional Families
If your family is nontraditional, you're in good company. These days, many kids live in single-parent, blended, adoptive, or gay- and lesbian-parent families. Two- and 3-year-olds aren't likely to ask any questions about their family or anyone else's but simply accept the way things are. They'll tend to assume that all families are just like theirs.
But once these little kids come into daily contact with other preschoolers - kids who also love to talk about their families - they begin to notice that not all families look the same. At this point, you can expect the questions to start.
Whatever your own family is like, don't shy away from these discussions; they'll help your preschooler better understand the world and her place in it. The messages to focus on are that families come in all shapes and sizes, that your child is loved, and that no one type of family is better than another. Here are some tips to use when talking to your preschooler about nontraditional families:
Introduce the topic casually. Strike up a conversation about families at the dinner table or while driving in the car. Use children's books, TV shows, or real families you know to spark discussion. "All parents should talk about the fact that there are different types of families," says Arlene Lev, a family therapist and author of The Complete Lesbian and Gay Parenting Guide. That includes families with a mommy, ones with two daddies or just a grandma, those with lots of kids, and so on.
Know when to leave it alone. There's no need to chat about family issues every day or for long periods; take your cues from your child. After telling her daughter Mae about her biological father, Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World author Rachel Sarah sometimes pulled out photos of him or offered to point out where he lives on a map. But often Mae wasn't interested. "She'd already moved on to something else," says Sarah.
Let kids explore roles. A young child from a nontraditional family might create a make-believe daddy or mommy. Don't freak out or assume it means he needs therapy. It's a part of imaginary play and should fade with time. Lev, a lesbian mom, recalls when her son watched a father tossing his child into the air, then turned to her and asked for a dad. "I said, 'Are you saying that because you'd like to have a dad who would toss you in the air?'" When her son said yes, she suggested "borrowing" a friend's dad. "A lot of times we assume there's a deep psychological process going on when really at this age it's about something so much simpler," she notes.
Be positive. If a preschooler has a playdate and returns talking glowingly about a family situation he doesn't have - one with a dad, a mom, or lots of siblings - take it in stride. If you get upset or defensive, your child will pick up on it. Just say, "It sounds like Will has lots of fun with his daddy," or "I bet that's a lot of fun."
Excerpted from "How to Talk to Your Child About Nontraditional Family Types" by Ziba Kashef on Babycenter.com. Read the full article here.
LGBTQ Foster Youth Training! June is LGBTQ Month!
In supporting our goal of continuously cultivating a multiculturally competent agency, Family Paths staff recently attended a training session on the issues surrounding LGBTQ foster youth. The training took place at the California Endowment on June 1st, and was presented by the Y.O.U.T.H. Training Project, a dynamic multi-year collaboration between current and former foster youth, social work professionals, social work training academies, foundations and others committed to the empowerment and futures of California foster youth. This dynamic and informative training focused on the ways in which clinicians can be allies to, advocate for and better meet the needs of LGBTQ youth in the foster care system.
Foster LGBTQ youth often face difficulties that surpass those of straight foster youth, and clinicians and therapists often hold a crucial role in the lives of these youth at the very times that they are in the process of self-acceptance and/or coming out. This is why it is important that clinicians be trained about the important intricacies of their role in the lives of LGBTQ foster youth. This training, led by former foster youth who identify as LGBTQ and as Allies, was extremely helpful supporting clinicians' work by providing a space in which to think creatively about best practices, various ways one can be an LGBTQ Ally, and ways to best advocate for this particular population. "I was so excited to be able to hear from former foster youth themselves," said Barbra Silver, Clinical Director at Family Paths.
You can learn more about the Y.O.U.T.H. Training Project here.
How to be a Happy Mom
If you are thinking of buying the mother in your life gobs of stuff this Mother's Day, consider this: stuff won't make her lastingly happy, but there are other things that you can do that can. And if you are a mother, consider taking the matter into your own hands rather than waiting for a present to make your Mother's Day a good one. Here are some things you can do to that are more likely to bring you real joy:
1. Go out with your friends and have a few laughs.
The most persistent finding we have from 50 years happiness research tells us that our well-being is best predicted by how connected we feel to other people. Do we have lots of friends? Know our neighbors? Are we close to our extended family? Care about our co-workers? People with a lot of social connections are less likely to experience sadness, loneliness, low self-esteem, and problems with eating and sleeping.
So to bring on some lasting happiness, we need to nurture our social connections. But a girls' night out can bring us instant happiness as well, and I'm not talking about the kind you imbibe. The laughter we share with our buddies literally changes our body chemistry by retarding that pesky fight-or-flight stress system. A good guffaw-or even little giggle-causes our heart rate and blood pressure to drop and our muscles to relax.
2. Have your kids or partner give you a massage or pedicure.
There really is such thing as a magic touch. Like laughter, being touched in a positive way can also trigger biochemical reactions that make us feel good. Getting a massage or being touched-even just briefly-by a loved one can increase activation in the orbitofrontal cortex, the part of the brain where we feel the pleasure in a reward, as when we eat a piece of chocolate or win a pile of money. It also reduces the cardiovascular stress response and decreases our levels of stress hormones like cortisol. Touch is essential to our physical and mental well-being-without it we wither and perish.
3. Take some quiet time for yourself.
The appeal of spa time doesn't just come from the positive effects of touch-it comes from the possibility of some quiet time for reflection or meditation. Want to turn your brainwaves that signal stress into those that indicate bliss? Start meditating. Do it enough and research suggests that you will increase activity in the area of your brain that is active when you feel happiness (the left prefrontal cortex).
Neuroscience of yester yore held that our brains were pretty much done growing when we reached full height. Now we know that our brain is more like a muscle-use a particular area a lot and it will grow. As science writer Sharon Begley describes in her book Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain, studies of Tibetan monks show that meditation is a particularly effective way to grow the part of your brain that registers positive emotions. We Westerners freely accept that if we want to excel at something like music, or athletics, or learning a new language, we will need to train and practice hard. However, we rarely think that we can also train and practice to be happier-something Buddhists have long known. Meditation is concentrated happiness training. If you don't know how to meditate but are interested in learning, Martha Beck outlines a whole chapter of different techniques in her book The Joy Diet.
If you just read that part on meditation and thought, "Huh. I'm sticking to the pedicure," don't give up on taking some quiet time altogether. Take some time to yourself to begin a gratitude journal. Writing about things you feel grateful for is a simple way to bring more joy into your life. People who "practice gratitude" feel considerably happier (25%) than those in a control group-they are more joyful, enthusiastic, interested, and determined. In one study, researchers had people list five things they felt thankful for once a week for 10 weeks. At the end of the study, participants "felt better about their lives as a whole and were more optimistic about the future."
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These benefits are all the evidence you need to have a guilt-free pass to nurture your own happiness-whether it is by meditating or practicing gratitude, spending a little more time with your friends, or by indulging yourself with the nurturing touch of another person. Do these things this year in celebration of Mother's Day with the intention that they will become a regular part of your activities. For the sake of your kids.
From "How to be a Happy Mom" by Christine Carter, Ph.D., mother of two and Executive Director of the Greater Good Science Center.
Family Paths Program Spotlight: Early Childhood Mental Health Consultation
Family Paths' Early Childhood Mental Health Consultation is a program through which three Family Paths staff members work as consultants in our community. As member of the TIPS team, Suzanne Lapidus, April Netzer and Mari Barnes are consulting with preschool teachers, directors and childcare providers in various school district, Had Start and private childcare settings. Consultants help early childcare staff identify, understand and manage social, emotional and behavioral issues that arise in the early care setting. This team knows that early intervention is an important step in treating and resolving these behavioral issues.
Family Paths has been providing early childhood consultation for over six years. Some of the most important characteristics of this program are its relationship-based model and its focus on collaboration between consultant and teacher/childcare provider. Family Paths consultants work to become part of the childcare team by building trusting relationships with staff. "Through genuine respect and curiosity, flexibility and openness and a willingness to see everyone's perspectives, consultants can help to transform relationships, leading to a richer experience for young children in their childcare setting" says Nancy Morosohk, LCSW, who supervises the consultation program. Enriching young children's childcare experience is definitely an investment in our future.
Thank You!
Family Paths, together with the Friends of Family Paths, wants to send a big thanks to everyone who came to Periscope Cellars on April 24th for our first annual Blue Ribbon Fundraising Event in honor of National Child Abuse Prevention Month! This event raised $8,000 to help build stronger families in the Bay Area.
The Friends of Family Paths worked hard to put on a successful event, and we were thrilled to see so many familiar faces. It was also exciting to meet a number of new friends and supporters of the work that we do to treat and prevent child abuse and build stronger families.
At the event, we unveiled our new promotional video, and a former client spoke about the services that Family Paths provided to help her through difficult times for her family.
We want to send out a big thanks to our generous community partners who donated goods and services to our silent auction! It was very successful, with a variety of items: from delicious cakes to art materials to spa services and excellent bottles of wine!
Our thanks go out, too, to the folks at Periscope Cellars in Emeryville. Their excellent selection of wines and their hospitality were much appreciated by all throughout the event.
Thanks, everyone, for a fun evening honoring the treatment and prevention of child abuse. Together, we can build stronger families in our community.
April is Child Abuse Prevention Month.
Barack Obama has declared April to be Child Abuse Prevention Month. You can read about the five protective factors that help safeguard families against abuse, in addition to the ways that Family Paths helps to prevent child abuse in our April newsletter.
Also, the Friends of Family Paths is hosting an event in honor of Child Abuse Prevention Month! Join us at Periscope Cellars on April 24th for appetizers, music, wine-tasting, and an extensive silent auction! All this and more in this month's newsletter.
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Friends of Family Paths’ April 24th Event
The recently created group, Friends of Family Paths, is a group of female professionals dedicated to supporting the mission and work of Family Paths through philanthropic activities. They are debuting their fabulous group with a very special evening of appetizers, entertainment and tasting local wines in honor of April, National Child Abuse Prevention Month. And, best of all, you’re invited!
This event, slated for April 24, is going to be a terrific evening at Periscope Cellars, an urban winery in the heart of the East Bay. We plan on raising awareness both of the importance of preventing child abuse and, of course, about the work that Family Paths does to treat the effects of child abuse and prevent its recurrence. One of the highlights of the evening will surely be the silent auction, for which we already have some exciting items! We are so thankful to the local businesses that have already pledged their support by donating some truly top-notch products and services. We are still looking for donations! Call Jessica Wright at (510) 893-9230 ext. 286 if you would like to donate a product or service for our silent auction.
We are selling tickets here. We truly hope to see all of you—our community of friends, colleagues and supporters—at Periscope Cellars on April 24th!
Strong Collaboration within our Community
Family Paths maintains strong relationships with several other community-based organizations in Alameda County. Our clinicians work hard to collaborate with other organizations when clients could benefit from services that Family Paths does not directly provide.
Family Paths holds regular Grand Rounds-style meetings, during which therapists share with and learn from one another. At a recent Grand Rounds meeting, a Family Paths clinician, in conjunction with Assessment Specialists from WestCoast Children’s Clinic, shared a success story with her colleagues regarding an instance of collaboration between the two agencies.
What was especially striking in this particular case study was the way that the client’s entire family shared the traumatic experiences of the past as well as the process that helps them to heal and move forward. It was a great reminder that at the core of the work that we do at Family Paths is our commitment to build stronger families. To those ends, we utilize all available resources in our communities, and enjoy building strong working relationships with organizations who share our values. Thanks to WestCoast Children’s Clinic for sharing with us their well-rounded, collaborative evaluation process!
February News
Lots has already been going on for Family Paths in the new year. Read about our Internship Program, including an Intern Spotlight on Erin Hill, Our LGBT trainings, and our wine tasting event for child abuse prevention month in April!
Find the whole newsletter here
A word from our leadership
Dear Friends,
As we look back at 2008-2009 we are pleased to report that Family Paths has thrived in a time when some non-profits are facing layoffs or in some cases, closing their
doors. It was a year filled with successes, though we faced challenges as well. Our biggest challenge was a direct result of the stock market losses. Family Paths is the beneficiary of a Charitable Remainder Trust, a gift from Roberta and Tim McCoy. Although the trust will not mature for some time, the funds invested as part of the trust were deeply impacted by market losses. Of course, we're hopeful that the market will maintain the positive gains made recently, and we are thankful that the decreased value of the trust is "on paper" rather than having a realized financial impact on the agency.
As for successes, through the generous support of Alameda County Behavioral Health Care Services we have been able to almost double our level of service to Hayward residents and its surrounding areas. We are delighted to have increased services to the community, but we are especially pleased to serve more clients in need during these stressful economic times. Folks that never thought they'd be unemployed, homeless, and under severe stress have found themselves in uncharted waters. For Family Paths, to make a difference in the lives of children and their families is why our agency was founded and why we've continued to serve the community for 38 years.
Other accomplishments for 2008-2009 were the completion of a new agency-wide database, we updated our information and referral database, and we began an intensive process for a new Strategic Plan. The new database is critical in our efforts to serve clients on our 24-hour crisis line, our various counseling services, and parent education services. Staff at Family Paths are incredibly dedicated to serving our clients, so any technology that allows them to focus more time and attention to clients greatly adds to job satisfaction.
Through the generous support of the Y&H Soda Foundation, in May 2008 the Board and management team began work on a new Strategic Plan, which we expect to complete in May 2010. The process has already been extremely rewarding and has led us to create a new vision, values, and mission statement. Working on the plan has also led us to answer some foundational questions that every social service agency needs to ask itself periodically- how do we best serve the community, how do we know that what we offer our clients really works, and what is it that Family Paths offers that makes us unique? We are answering these questions and many more. We look forward to sharing our Strategic Plan in the spring of 2010!
We are deeply grateful to our supporters and funders. With your help, we served over 7,000 children and families last fiscal year, and you made a significant difference in the lives of our clients. Thank you.
Marcella Reeves, Executive Director &
Randy Bergen MD, President, Board of Directors
Thanks to our holiday donors!
We want to send out a hearty Thank You to some of the community groups that helped Family Paths make the holiday season a little brighter for our families this year. Our thanks go out to:
The kind folks at Sandia National Laboratories, who collectively sponsored 110 clients by providing personalized, beautifully wrapped gifts;
Unity Church in Berkeley for their donation of over 75 handmade teddy bears, complete with handsome hand-knit hats for children;
All Soul's Episcopal Church for 150 cuddly teddy bears for foster children in Alameda County; and
Kaiser Permanente's 16th floor TPMG crew, for their generous sponsorship of 3 families over the holiday season. The personalized, wrapped gifts that they provided brought smiles to clients this year.
Thanks again to our community partners for helping us make this a great holiday season for these
Building Stronger Families
Marcus was 12 when he moved in with his older brother after he was removed from his mother's home due to her severe substance abuse problem. He was referred to Family Paths for therapy services with our FIT program because he wasn't doing well in school and not listening in the home. Because Marcus' older brother lived in a different city than where he grew up, he also left behind friends and familiar surroundings to attend a new school and live in a new neighborhood.
The Family Paths' Therapist met with Marcus at his school and sometimes in his home to address his feelings and fears that were underneath his behaviors. During the time of their work together, Marcus witnessed the violent death of a close friend, his sister became pregnant and his brother's wife had a baby. He was quickly feeling lost among all of these events, sad and alone in the world. His therapist kept a steady presence and helped him identify his strengths and goals as he teetered on the edge of failing out of school and getting involved with dangerous activities on the street.
Marcus used his time with his therapist to express his feelings, both through art and thoughtful reflection in their relationship. He felt heard and understood, not judged and blamed. He began to think through the consequences of some of his actions and identified ways he wanted his life to turn out differently from his mother's. An important part of the treatment was working with Marcus' older brother to help him understand the impact of trauma and loss and how to best support Marcus when his behavior was less than ideal.
After a year and a half, Marcus' grades and behavior in school started to improve. He made a decision to continue contact with his mother, which felt good to him. His relationship with his older brother started to improve as he felt his brother was more flexible and responsive to his emotional needs. With things moving in a positive direction, Marcus decided he no longer needed to be in therapy. His therapist acknowledged his hard work and all of his strengths that will certainly help him through future challenges. The family continues to know that our 24 Hour Family Support Line is here for them should they need us.