Rigging Kids' Brains for Happy Memories

By putting neuroscience into action, we can help our children experience-and remember-more good times than bad.

Life is full of difficulties. But Neuroscientist Rick Hanson explains in his fabulous book on "the practical neuroscience of happiness, love, & wisdom," that we can take positive steps to determine which memories stick with our kids. Hanson argues that the key isn't to avoid the pain that life presents-it's through our challenges that we learn deep lessons we couldn't learn any other way. Instead we can foster positive experiences that offset those challenges.

Unfortunately, we are a bit hard-wired to mostly remember bad things while forgetting the good ones. According to Hanson, our mind acts "like Teflon for positive" memories and "Velcro for negative ones." This is not good for our happiness: If most of our memories are negative, we come to perceive the world as depressing, even threatening.

Fortunately, Hanson gives us a method for raising kids who have more positive memories than negative ones, kids who have happy associations with their childhood and whose outlook on life reflects that. Here's how to "Take in the Good," as Hanson calls it.

Teach kids to notice the good things that are all around them. Practice actively looking for the positive: Those flowers we planted in the fall are blooming; our neighbor was so nice to help us with a difficult project; school was particularly fun today. Regular gratitude practices help with this. The key, according to Hanson, is to "turn positive facts into positive experiences."

Draw out-really savor-those positive experiences. This aspect will forever change the way my kids and I do our "3 good things" practice at bedtime. The idea is not just to hold something positive in our awareness for as long as possible, but also to remember the positive emotions that go along with them. Now my kids list something that is good about their day, like that they had fun with their friends, and we really think about how good it felt to be playing and enjoying friendship. This evokes what was rewarding about a "good thing," and helps use our brain chemistry to strengthen connections associated with the memory.

Let it all sink in. Have your kids imagine that the good thing you were just talking about "is entering deeply into [their] mind and body, like the sun's warmth into a T-shirt, water into a sponge, or a jewel placed in a treasure chest in your heart."

Adapted from "Rigging Kids' Brains for Happy Memories" by Christine Carter in her blog "Raising Happiness: Science for Joyful Kids and Happier Parents." The Greater Good Science Center in Berkeley, CA.

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