By putting neuroscience into action, we can help our children experience-and remember-more good times than bad.
Life is full of difficulties. But Neuroscientist Rick Hanson explains in his fabulous book on "the practical neuroscience of happiness, love, & wisdom," that we can take positive steps to determine which memories stick with our kids. Hanson argues that the key isn't to avoid the pain that life presents-it's through our challenges that we learn deep lessons we couldn't learn any other way. Instead we can foster positive experiences that offset those challenges.
Unfortunately, we are a bit hard-wired to mostly remember bad things while forgetting the good ones. According to Hanson, our mind acts "like Teflon for positive" memories and "Velcro for negative ones." This is not good for our happiness: If most of our memories are negative, we come to perceive the world as depressing, even threatening.
Fortunately, Hanson gives us a method for raising kids who have more positive memories than negative ones, kids who have happy associations with their childhood and whose outlook on life reflects that. Here's how to "Take in the Good," as Hanson calls it.
Teach kids to notice the good things that are all around them. Practice actively looking for the positive: Those flowers we planted in the fall are blooming; our neighbor was so nice to help us with a difficult project; school was particularly fun today. Regular gratitude practices help with this. The key, according to Hanson, is to "turn positive facts into positive experiences."
Draw out-really savor-those positive experiences. This aspect will forever change the way my kids and I do our "3 good things" practice at bedtime. The idea is not just to hold something positive in our awareness for as long as possible, but also to remember the positive emotions that go along with them. Now my kids list something that is good about their day, like that they had fun with their friends, and we really think about how good it felt to be playing and enjoying friendship. This evokes what was rewarding about a "good thing," and helps use our brain chemistry to strengthen connections associated with the memory.
Let it all sink in. Have your kids imagine that the good thing you were just talking about "is entering deeply into [their] mind and body, like the sun's warmth into a T-shirt, water into a sponge, or a jewel placed in a treasure chest in your heart."
Adapted from "Rigging Kids' Brains for Happy Memories" by Christine Carter in her blog "Raising Happiness: Science for Joyful Kids and Happier Parents." The Greater Good Science Center in Berkeley, CA.
You can find the blog here.
Rigging Kids' Brains for Happy Memories
Talking to Your Preschooler about Nontraditional Families
If your family is nontraditional, you're in good company. These days, many kids live in single-parent, blended, adoptive, or gay- and lesbian-parent families. Two- and 3-year-olds aren't likely to ask any questions about their family or anyone else's but simply accept the way things are. They'll tend to assume that all families are just like theirs.
But once these little kids come into daily contact with other preschoolers - kids who also love to talk about their families - they begin to notice that not all families look the same. At this point, you can expect the questions to start.
Whatever your own family is like, don't shy away from these discussions; they'll help your preschooler better understand the world and her place in it. The messages to focus on are that families come in all shapes and sizes, that your child is loved, and that no one type of family is better than another. Here are some tips to use when talking to your preschooler about nontraditional families:
Introduce the topic casually. Strike up a conversation about families at the dinner table or while driving in the car. Use children's books, TV shows, or real families you know to spark discussion. "All parents should talk about the fact that there are different types of families," says Arlene Lev, a family therapist and author of The Complete Lesbian and Gay Parenting Guide. That includes families with a mommy, ones with two daddies or just a grandma, those with lots of kids, and so on.
Know when to leave it alone. There's no need to chat about family issues every day or for long periods; take your cues from your child. After telling her daughter Mae about her biological father, Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World author Rachel Sarah sometimes pulled out photos of him or offered to point out where he lives on a map. But often Mae wasn't interested. "She'd already moved on to something else," says Sarah.
Let kids explore roles. A young child from a nontraditional family might create a make-believe daddy or mommy. Don't freak out or assume it means he needs therapy. It's a part of imaginary play and should fade with time. Lev, a lesbian mom, recalls when her son watched a father tossing his child into the air, then turned to her and asked for a dad. "I said, 'Are you saying that because you'd like to have a dad who would toss you in the air?'" When her son said yes, she suggested "borrowing" a friend's dad. "A lot of times we assume there's a deep psychological process going on when really at this age it's about something so much simpler," she notes.
Be positive. If a preschooler has a playdate and returns talking glowingly about a family situation he doesn't have - one with a dad, a mom, or lots of siblings - take it in stride. If you get upset or defensive, your child will pick up on it. Just say, "It sounds like Will has lots of fun with his daddy," or "I bet that's a lot of fun."
Excerpted from "How to Talk to Your Child About Nontraditional Family Types" by Ziba Kashef on Babycenter.com. Read the full article here.
LGBTQ Foster Youth Training! June is LGBTQ Month!
In supporting our goal of continuously cultivating a multiculturally competent agency, Family Paths staff recently attended a training session on the issues surrounding LGBTQ foster youth. The training took place at the California Endowment on June 1st, and was presented by the Y.O.U.T.H. Training Project, a dynamic multi-year collaboration between current and former foster youth, social work professionals, social work training academies, foundations and others committed to the empowerment and futures of California foster youth. This dynamic and informative training focused on the ways in which clinicians can be allies to, advocate for and better meet the needs of LGBTQ youth in the foster care system.
Foster LGBTQ youth often face difficulties that surpass those of straight foster youth, and clinicians and therapists often hold a crucial role in the lives of these youth at the very times that they are in the process of self-acceptance and/or coming out. This is why it is important that clinicians be trained about the important intricacies of their role in the lives of LGBTQ foster youth. This training, led by former foster youth who identify as LGBTQ and as Allies, was extremely helpful supporting clinicians' work by providing a space in which to think creatively about best practices, various ways one can be an LGBTQ Ally, and ways to best advocate for this particular population. "I was so excited to be able to hear from former foster youth themselves," said Barbra Silver, Clinical Director at Family Paths.
You can learn more about the Y.O.U.T.H. Training Project here.
How to be a Happy Mom
If you are thinking of buying the mother in your life gobs of stuff this Mother's Day, consider this: stuff won't make her lastingly happy, but there are other things that you can do that can. And if you are a mother, consider taking the matter into your own hands rather than waiting for a present to make your Mother's Day a good one. Here are some things you can do to that are more likely to bring you real joy:
1. Go out with your friends and have a few laughs.
The most persistent finding we have from 50 years happiness research tells us that our well-being is best predicted by how connected we feel to other people. Do we have lots of friends? Know our neighbors? Are we close to our extended family? Care about our co-workers? People with a lot of social connections are less likely to experience sadness, loneliness, low self-esteem, and problems with eating and sleeping.
So to bring on some lasting happiness, we need to nurture our social connections. But a girls' night out can bring us instant happiness as well, and I'm not talking about the kind you imbibe. The laughter we share with our buddies literally changes our body chemistry by retarding that pesky fight-or-flight stress system. A good guffaw-or even little giggle-causes our heart rate and blood pressure to drop and our muscles to relax.
2. Have your kids or partner give you a massage or pedicure.
There really is such thing as a magic touch. Like laughter, being touched in a positive way can also trigger biochemical reactions that make us feel good. Getting a massage or being touched-even just briefly-by a loved one can increase activation in the orbitofrontal cortex, the part of the brain where we feel the pleasure in a reward, as when we eat a piece of chocolate or win a pile of money. It also reduces the cardiovascular stress response and decreases our levels of stress hormones like cortisol. Touch is essential to our physical and mental well-being-without it we wither and perish.
3. Take some quiet time for yourself.
The appeal of spa time doesn't just come from the positive effects of touch-it comes from the possibility of some quiet time for reflection or meditation. Want to turn your brainwaves that signal stress into those that indicate bliss? Start meditating. Do it enough and research suggests that you will increase activity in the area of your brain that is active when you feel happiness (the left prefrontal cortex).
Neuroscience of yester yore held that our brains were pretty much done growing when we reached full height. Now we know that our brain is more like a muscle-use a particular area a lot and it will grow. As science writer Sharon Begley describes in her book Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain, studies of Tibetan monks show that meditation is a particularly effective way to grow the part of your brain that registers positive emotions. We Westerners freely accept that if we want to excel at something like music, or athletics, or learning a new language, we will need to train and practice hard. However, we rarely think that we can also train and practice to be happier-something Buddhists have long known. Meditation is concentrated happiness training. If you don't know how to meditate but are interested in learning, Martha Beck outlines a whole chapter of different techniques in her book The Joy Diet.
If you just read that part on meditation and thought, "Huh. I'm sticking to the pedicure," don't give up on taking some quiet time altogether. Take some time to yourself to begin a gratitude journal. Writing about things you feel grateful for is a simple way to bring more joy into your life. People who "practice gratitude" feel considerably happier (25%) than those in a control group-they are more joyful, enthusiastic, interested, and determined. In one study, researchers had people list five things they felt thankful for once a week for 10 weeks. At the end of the study, participants "felt better about their lives as a whole and were more optimistic about the future."
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These benefits are all the evidence you need to have a guilt-free pass to nurture your own happiness-whether it is by meditating or practicing gratitude, spending a little more time with your friends, or by indulging yourself with the nurturing touch of another person. Do these things this year in celebration of Mother's Day with the intention that they will become a regular part of your activities. For the sake of your kids.
From "How to be a Happy Mom" by Christine Carter, Ph.D., mother of two and Executive Director of the Greater Good Science Center.
Family Paths Program Spotlight: Early Childhood Mental Health Consultation
Family Paths' Early Childhood Mental Health Consultation is a program through which three Family Paths staff members work as consultants in our community. As member of the TIPS team, Suzanne Lapidus, April Netzer and Mari Barnes are consulting with preschool teachers, directors and childcare providers in various school district, Had Start and private childcare settings. Consultants help early childcare staff identify, understand and manage social, emotional and behavioral issues that arise in the early care setting. This team knows that early intervention is an important step in treating and resolving these behavioral issues.
Family Paths has been providing early childhood consultation for over six years. Some of the most important characteristics of this program are its relationship-based model and its focus on collaboration between consultant and teacher/childcare provider. Family Paths consultants work to become part of the childcare team by building trusting relationships with staff. "Through genuine respect and curiosity, flexibility and openness and a willingness to see everyone's perspectives, consultants can help to transform relationships, leading to a richer experience for young children in their childcare setting" says Nancy Morosohk, LCSW, who supervises the consultation program. Enriching young children's childcare experience is definitely an investment in our future.
Thank You!
Family Paths, together with the Friends of Family Paths, wants to send a big thanks to everyone who came to Periscope Cellars on April 24th for our first annual Blue Ribbon Fundraising Event in honor of National Child Abuse Prevention Month! This event raised $8,000 to help build stronger families in the Bay Area.
The Friends of Family Paths worked hard to put on a successful event, and we were thrilled to see so many familiar faces. It was also exciting to meet a number of new friends and supporters of the work that we do to treat and prevent child abuse and build stronger families.
At the event, we unveiled our new promotional video, and a former client spoke about the services that Family Paths provided to help her through difficult times for her family.
We want to send out a big thanks to our generous community partners who donated goods and services to our silent auction! It was very successful, with a variety of items: from delicious cakes to art materials to spa services and excellent bottles of wine!
Our thanks go out, too, to the folks at Periscope Cellars in Emeryville. Their excellent selection of wines and their hospitality were much appreciated by all throughout the event.
Thanks, everyone, for a fun evening honoring the treatment and prevention of child abuse. Together, we can build stronger families in our community.